So i found out that my dad has cancer and they give him less then a year to live. I’ve been thinking a lot about my relationship with him, and although I wish he were around more, and even been upset with him for it at times, I have come to realize a few things that change the way I have always seen his presence in my life.
My mother and father were very young when they were together. He was 21 and my mom was 17. She was 18 when she had me, had my sister a year and a half later, and then separated very shortly after. My high school girlfriend and I were in a relationship longer than the whole time they were together. In thinking about this, I remember what young love was like. Regardless of how that relationship ended up, I will always have fond memories because it’s just the type of love you can only have once. Very young love.
Seeing your children after separation is not easy, they are an antiquated product of a relationship gone by. I feel that my father felt a lot of guilt over what happened back then, and seeing a relic of a past life every two weeks is a heavy burden to carry. If I had a constant reminder of my failed relationship with Alyse knocking at my door, wanting to play, wanting to watch me play sports, listen to music, teach me guitar, come to graduation, it would be hard for me also.
Not only that, but the only time we have spent together in the last ten years, however infrequent, has always been initiated by him. I have never called him up asking how he is. never once asked if i could see him. I feel a tremendous guilt. I don’t want him to die thinking that I don’t love him, or that I didn’t want to see him, but how else could he feel?